Other People’s Feelings Are NOT Your Responsibility.

I am always reading. I typically read a few books at a time, usually three to four, all about different topics and one of the ones that I’m reading right now is Girl, Stop Apologizing by Rachel Hollis. I read this excerpt and it just hit me so hard that I haven’t stopped thinking about it.

“I was raised with a voice of authority that was male. My daddy is a strong and very forceful personality, and he demanded total obedience. I learned to live in hope of his approval and terrified of his displeasure. Then I met my husband when I was nineteen years old, and though he is a very different kind of man, I can recognize in retrospect that I transferred my feelings about my father to my husband. I was utterly codependent. I lived every day to please him and make him happy, and if he was unhappy- even if it wasn’t about me- it was crippling. I would drown in anxiety until I could do something or say something that would change his mood. I remember about seven years ago he’d had a bad day at work and he was really frustrated when he got home. I went immediately into “fix it” mode. I was like, “Can I make you a drink? Are you hungry? You want to watch a movie? You want to have sex?” and he looked at me very firmly but very kindly and said, “Rachel, I’m in a bad mood, and I’ll get over it. It’s okay if I’m upset. You don’t have to make it better. It’s not your job to make sure I’m happy.” Holy crap you guys. It was a freaking epiphany! It really never occurred to me that I should just let him process his feelings and it wasn’t my job to fix them. I had been raised in a house where we did everything possible to keep Daddy happy, and I didn’t know there was any other way to be. Consequently, when I began to understand that the entire purpose for my life wasn’t to please someone else, I began to consider things I hadn’t before.” – Rachel Hollis

Y’all. Y’ALL. This little snippet from this book could have knocked me over. Her experience was my exact experience, including the daddy issues and all, except that I met my awesome husband when I was fifteen instead of nineteen. I have struggled and struggled because I have spent so much time and energy unnecessarily stressing because I attached my success as a wife and happiness as a human to Chris’s happiness. So I match his energy. If Chris comes home snippy or tired, I’m snippy and tired. And I’m snippy and tired because I’m anxious and failing at cheering him up. This is completely me just continuing my childhood circumstances because when I was growing up if pops was mad, everyone else better be quiet and willing to do whatever he needed, because being happy when he was mad only seemed to make it worse. This is most definitely no way to live. Just like I have said in so many of my other posts and podcasts: other people’s feelings are not your responsibility. If they are mad it is not your job to fix it or obligation to be mad too. Read. That. Again. If you attach your happiness to someone else’s feelings you are always going to feel like a rubber band being slung back and forth.

This is huge for me guys, because I have literally always attached my feelings to someone else’s as well as took responsibly for how others feel my entire life. If people get pissed or offended at you for stating an opinion it isn’t your job to apologize for disagreeing with them or be responsible for making them feel better. The same goes for the “Don’t go beyond your raising” people that get ill when you make a better life for yourself, it’s not your problem that you followed your dreams or put in more effort for a better life than they did. And it most definitely isn’t your job to lower your standards or give up on your dreams to make someone feel more comfortable. Comfortable is so boring.

Don’t get me wrong. Not taking responsibility for your spouse’s or mother’s or children’s feelings doesn’t mean that you don’t care about them. I hate when my husband has bad days, and I wish he didn’t have them. I still ask him if there is anything that I can do to help him but now, I ask not because I feel personally responsible to change his feelings but because I just love the guy and am always there for him. This changes everything because though I’m part of his support system his bad days doesn’t automatically make my days bad. I love my family and care about them deeply but I’m not responsible for how they feel. I also feel like I have to say that if I did or said something that hurt someone that I did not mean, apologizing is mature and the right thing to do. I don’t think we should never apologize. We are human and we mess up sometimes. I just don’t think we should ever apologize for saying or doing something that we believe in even if it offends or angers or makes others upset. Huge difference.

The point is that I realized I was living my life to make sure others weren’t upset, and for me that meant always keeping my opinions to myself, not trying to accomplish any goals that would make those around me feel small, and people pleasing to death just because I wanted to be liked. People pleasing isn’t something that is easily overcome, but I have learned that amazing word ‘NO’ and friends, it works wonders. I’ve also created a few things that I keep with me as reminders so when people get offended or upset at my no’s or anything else I know that it’s not my problem to worry how they feel, and its LIBERATING.

Friends, I hope this post or the section from RH’s book helps someone else realize they are a serial people pleaser and hopefully set the path to understanding that the only feelings you are responsible for are your OWN.